


I Now Pronounce You Dean and Cas

by Seanbiggerstaffrox



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Accidental Marriage, Almost a crackfic, Bottom Dean, But I'm oddly proud of it, But not quite, Could be triggering, Definite consent issues, Humor, Humour, M/M, Seriously though this story is ridiculous, Slash, Slightly Dub Con
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-01-26
Updated: 2013-01-26
Packaged: 2017-11-27 00:39:21
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,515
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/656089
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Seanbiggerstaffrox/pseuds/Seanbiggerstaffrox
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Balthazar's pranks aren't always funny. Especially when they culminate in Dean and Cas getting married.<br/>Or, the one where Cas and Dean get drunkenly married in Vegas. And that's not even the complicated part.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So this was based off of a prompt I found on LiveJournal: "Seperim_ml: Dean/Castiel. In heaven, marriages are sort of a big deal." I didn't submit it for the prompt and the prompter doesn't know about it (sorry) but it was a really awesome idea. Not sure about the policy on that, but hopefully it's all good.  
> Also, this is over on fanfiction.net - http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8457450/1/I-Now-Pronounce-You-Dean-and-Cas - except this version will have more/actual sexual content, since I've already broken that rule over at FF and the Fanfiction Lords get angry and will probably ban me soon. Seriously, I love AO3. Never change you beautiful, beautiful site.  
> Warning: This is meant to be harmless fun, but there are some consent issues involving Dean and Cas. Mostly with how the 'bond' manifests itself and stuff like that. I mean this to be funny and sexy but it's pretty disturbing if you really think about it. Just like SPN.  
> P.S. When I wrote this story, I didn't realize that angels could get drunk off alcohol. I'd change it, but I like this version. Also, thinking about it anymore than fleetingly brings a whole swarm of confusion to my mind - why don't they get tired/need sleep? If they drink in their vessels and their vessels get affected, does that mean they perform other functions as well? Do vessels pee? What about food? How does that work? And if Cas doesn't really feel arousal but his vessel does then - I'm stopping there, but you get the picture.  
> Long story short - angel alcohol.

**Chapter One:**

Balthazar watched in amusement from behind his glass of champagne, observing the men's actions. He had never expected that getting Cas drunk could be so entertaining – granted, he'd never thought he would succeed in getting Cas drunk either.

"Cas, Cas, Cas! Remember the brothel!" Dean slurred. He was hunched over in his chair, beer in hand and almost falling over as a great wave of laughter overcame him.

Cas laughed as well though Balthazar was certain he had no idea what Dean was talking about. Really, he couldn't imagine why the angel had accepted a refreshment from him so easily. A special mixture of Enochian alcohol that the angel had never indulged in mixed with water and served with as innocent a smile as Balthazar could muster. Of course he shouldn't have been so weary that the man would be suspicious. The alcohol could only be found in the Angel equivalent of a speak-easy – the higher-up angels frowned on any behavior deemed Humanesque, so intoxication was a banned pass time.

"I have the sudden urge," Castiel said, "to 'shake my groove thing.'"

Balthazar smirked at the stiff usage of slang. "Well then, perhaps some music is in order." He offered, moving to get up.

"Great idea!" Dean yelled, staggering out of his chair. Balthazar stilled and watched the hunter in interest. With his limited knowledge of the man he didn't even need to guess that Dean would pick some horrid, repetitive rock music, but, much as the music would grate on him, watching the man fumble valiantly with the radio proved to be entertaining enough to make up for it. "Stupid buttons!" Dean hissed, banging the machinery against the motel table. He was met only with the sound of static. "Mortus ad lunum ex-"

"Christo!" Sam, who'd been passed out on the table, suddenly lifted his head, looking around expectantly. "Dean, why are you exorcising the radio?" He asked hoarsely, somewhat more lucid than the others.

"It's possessed!" Dean exclaimed, grabbing the instrument and clumsily making his way back to the table. "Listen." He brought the object up to Sam's ear, letting him listen to the crackling of the speakers.

Balthazar glanced over to Cas again, observing his slouching form. The man's trench coat lay abandoned somewhere on the other side of the room, having been discarded when he'd gone to jump on the bed, and his tie was wrapped sloppily around his forehead. Balthazar smirked as a sudden idea struck him.

"How about a refill, Rambo?" He asked the angel, satisfaction filling him as that caught Dean's attention.

"Rambo?!" He said incredulously, looking at Cas. Balthazar began to nonchalantly fill the angel's cup again as Dean scoffed. "Oh please. Like Cas could fight." The hunter chuckled.

"He beat your ass once." Sam laughed, always one to rub in Dean's small failures.

"He got lucky!" Dean countered.

"Hurting you was far from luck, Dean." Castiel said seriously. Though he hadn't meant it to be an insult it was far from surprising that Dean had taken it as one.

"Okay, Stallone, let's go!"

"Go where?"

"We're going to fight. Come on!" Dean moved to the center of the room, holding his fists in a boxing pose.

"I don't wish to fight you, Dean." Cas said.

"Let's go, Angel. I'm going to beat your haloed ass!" The hunter stumbled forward, swinging his fist at the man. Cas stood up and Dean fumbled, landing on top of the table.

Balthazar and Sam leapt from their seats as glasses and alcohol spilled to the floor.

"Dude!" Sam protested. His front was soaked with beer.

Balthazar hid a smirk and sipped at his champagne. He, of course, was as spotless and composed as ever.

"Hey, I fixed the radio!" Dean exclaimed, having already forgotten his goal to beat up Castiel. He was bent over the table and staring down at the music box that was sitting on the floor, the instrument having fallen during Dean's minor incident.

The hunter stood up and Balthazar's eyes strayed downward, spotting the liquid dripping along Dean's shirt. A small bit of worry hit him when he remembered that Enochian alcohol could be absorbed through the skin but he shrugged it off. It couldn't be that bad for humans. Probably.

With the radio working and a bit of energy out of their systems everyone soon settled down at the table. A pack of cards was produced and Balthazar quickly grew bored. He wasn't a huge fan of cards to begin with and everyone else was so drop dead drunk that they couldn't even keep track of what game they were playing. Or even how to play. Or what cards were. Balthazar was just preparing to make an exit when things took a turn for the best (a.k.a Worst.)

"Go fish." Balthazar grumbled, yawning in disinterest as he stared at his cards.

"What does that even mean?" Cas muttered, voice faint and tired. Balthazar decided that Castiel was a boring drunk after all and looked at him in irritation.

"It just means 'Go fish for a matching card.'"

"No, the song." Cas protested, gesturing at the radio that was now set on the table. "'It's a nice day for a white wedding.' What does that mean?"

"It means it's a nice day for a white wedding, Cas." Dean murmured.

"Is it?" Castiel asked, perking up. "Where should we have it?"

"What? You and me?" Dean asked incredulously.

"All four of us!" The angel exclaimed, gesturing around. Balthazar felt giddy as it seemed the angel was once again becoming an Enthusiastic drunk.

"Don't be silly, Cas." Dean snapped. "Four people can't get married."

"We're getting married?" Castiel asked.

"Are we?" The hunter muttered, looking at Cas with furrowed brows. "When?"

"Today. It's a nice day for a White Wedding!" Cas sang the last sentence along with the radio.

"You can't get married!" Sam protested. "You need a license. And it takes planning."

"Not in Vegas." Dean answered.

"Yeah, but Vegas is so seedy." Sam grimaced.

"That's what makes it awesome, Sammy-boy." The hunter said with a wink.

"Then we're off to Vegas!" Cas exclaimed. As well as Cas could exclaim anything.

Balthazar snickered as Cas and Dean stood up. Deciding the angel was too drunk to transport all of them he opted to assist and snapped them all to the city in question.

In retrospect Balthazar should have taken everything more seriously, but he'd been sipping on some of the Enochian Liqueur as well and, frankly, that stuff was far more powerful than earth alcohol. This is why Balthazar managed to watch the whole marriage ceremony without even an ounce of guilt and even served as a witness, despite the fact that in heaven, marriages are sort of a big deal.

**Line Break:**

Dean woke up slowly, letting out a heavy groan of satisfaction as soft sheets rumpled beneath him, comfortable and warm. His morning soon turned harsh though when a sharp pain slammed through his head and had him curling up in the fetal position.

"Son of a bitch!" He cursed.

"I believe that is the right sentiment." A monotonous voice whispered from behind him. Dean whipped his head around in surprise, groaning when the pain increased. "Cas?" He croaked when he saw the angel lying in the bed beside him. "What's going on?"

"I think we're being attacked." Cas murmured, looking to be in as bad of shape as Dean felt. The angel's clothes were crumpled, his tie around his head, and his hair twisted from sleep.

"I thought angels didn't sleep." He muttered.

"I didn't. I believe I, as you would say, 'passed out' for a little while. But I woke up some hours ago." Cas explained, peering up at him slowly.

"What happened?" Dean groaned.

"Somehow, I managed to get drunk."

Dean froze and looked at the angel in shock. "Really?" He couldn't stop the chuckle that escaped him at the thought.

"Balthazar tricked me." The man stated with anger evident in his voice.

"Oh." That was less funny. "Cas?"

"Yes, Dean?"

"Why are we in the same bed?"

The angel let out a sigh. "I'm afraid my memory of last night is…limited." Castiel admitted reluctantly. Dean knew for a fact that that was very, very, very bad. He was distracted from his worried thoughts as the sound of his cell phone drew his attention. Surprisingly, he found it on the night table. He would have thought, being as drunk as he had been that he would have tossed it in some mystery location.

"Hello?"

"Dean." Sam's anxious voice sounded from the other end.

"Sammy?" He asked, sitting up and ignoring his hangover as concern for his brother took over.

"Where are you?" Sam hissed. Dean looked around for clues before finding a pamphlet on the table.

"Um, Excalibur hotel. Why, where are you?"

"I'm on the roof of…something." His younger brother said, sounding confused and disoriented.

"I'll come find you."

"No!" Sam's protest was too hasty and it made Dean anxious. "I'll come to your room."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah. What room number?"

Dean slowly stood up, walking over to his door and opening it. "Oh, come on!" He muttered in irritation.

"What?"

"We're in room…666." Dean grumbled.

"Really?" Sam snickered on the other end. Dean hung up the phone quickly and slammed the door shut. A groan sounded from the bed and he looked sheepishly at the angel, reminded of his own migraine.

"Sorry, Cas." He said, looking around the room for some Advil.

There was an awkward wait as Dean and Castiel sat on the bed, completely silent. For some reason the hunter had a hard time looking at Cas, instead choosing to glance around the room. The whole place was a lot nicer than where he'd usually stay and the impeccable order of the place grated on his nerves.

A knock at the door came as a relief and Dean quickly stood up, anxious for the prospect of more company. He wasn't sure what it was about being alone with Cas that bugged him, but he couldn't shake the feeling that something was off. He opened the door and found Sam disheveled and looking lost in the hallway. The man quickly pushed past him and into the room, appearing shaken and hesitant. He froze when he saw Castiel sitting on the bed. Dean peered at him too, finding that he looked a lot better now than he had just a few minutes ago. The way the light seemed to reflect off him - he was quite angelic, which was fitting Dean supposed.

"Who wants food?" Dean asked and Sam turned around, looking at him in exasperation. "What, I'm hungry." He shrugged.

"Look, I have some…bad news." Sam said, stopping Dean in his journey to find his wallet.

"What?" He asked in concern.

"It has to do with you and Cas." Sam stumbled a bit over the angel's name. He looked down at the floor awkwardly and rubbed a hand over the back of his head.

Dean glanced at Cas quickly and felt his stomach growl, a pang of hunger going through him. He could really go for a bacon burger.

"Do they have a diner around here?" He asked.

"Really, Dean?" Sam cried, looking at him in disbelief.

"Okay, sorry." Dean muttered. "What is it?"

"How much of last night do you remember?"

"I remember…" Dean trailed off and thought. "Challenging Cas to a fight. After that, nothing."

"I'm only getting brief glimpses." Castiel answered, voice gravelly.

"Oh!" Dean suddenly exclaimed, rushing over to the night table.

"What, do you remember something?" Sam queried.

"Yeah. Room service." The hunter smirked, ignoring Sam's glare.

"Dean, put the phone down." The younger man ordered.

"I think you should just let him get something to eat." Castiel said and Sam sighed. They gave him time to order food, but the minute Dean had put down his phone Sam started again.

"Now pay attention." Sam snapped. "How much of last night do you remember?"

"I already told you, nothing." Dean growled, beginning to get irritated. "So, what the hell is going on?"

"You and Cas…may have…sort of…" The younger man sat down and hung his head.

"Well, if it isn't the newlyweds." Everyone looked up at Balthazar who had appeared in the room. "Ah, and the maid of honour."

"Balthazar, what do you want?" Sam growled, clearly mad. Dean just chocked it up to Balthazar being a pain in the ass and went back to staring at the menu, inexplicably hungry after a night of drinking.

"Just checking in." The angel smirked. "So, how's married life?" He asked. Dean looked up curiously. He was used to being teased about his bond with Cas but today Balthazar was oddly persistent.

"Okay, we get it. Cas and I are married, would you shut up." Dean hissed.

"You're taking it better than I thought. This is no fun." Balthazar said in disappointment. Sam gave him a pointed look and the angel grinned. "Oh I see, you don't get it. Let me spell it out for you: You and Cas are married."

Dean looked at the man in confusion. "What?"

"Yes, you and the Leader got married yesterday. It was actually a beautiful ceremony. I got pictures." Balthazar produced an envelope.

Dean snapped up and rushed forward, ripping the envelope from his hands. He pulled the photos out and stared in surprise. Right there, in front of his face, he and Cas were standing at the alter with Sam and Balthazar on either side of them. They all looked basically the same except for the last one in which he and Cas were kissing. Dean blushed as anger rushed through him.

"Shit." He muttered. Dropping the photo's he dashed forward, prepared to tackle Balthazar. However, before he could even make impact, a whoosh came from behind him and he was suddenly gripped in firm arms. A small shudder went up his back and he almost fell into the touch but, instead, struggled against the hold, wanting more than anything to beat the shit out of the angel before him.

"Balthazar." Cas growled and Dean felt a spark of something go through him. The angel was so close, right behind him, and his breath was hitting his ear. "I suggest you leave." Castiel was far angrier than Dean had ever heard him.

"Oh, Cas, lighten up." Balthazar teased.

"Now!" The angel shouted and Balthazar's smirk fell and he disappeared.

"Get off me." Dean snapped, pulling away from the angel's hold. He couldn't deny the small sense of loss that went through him but it was overshadowed by the sheer magnitude of the situation. "What the fuck, Cas?!" He shouted, feeling somewhat betrayed by the angel.

"Dean, you must not get angry at me." Castiel warned. "This situation can not be helped by rashness."

Dean growled and looked away, pacing back and forth. "Look, it's not like we're legally married."

"Actually…" Sam spoke up, reaching into his pocket and pulling out a sheet of paper.

"What is that?" Dean asked.

"Marriage license."

"You've got to be kidding me!" Dean shouted.

"Nope. It's legit." Sam said.

"Real names?" Dean asked, hoping in vain that he hadn't been stupid enough to sign his real name.

Sam gave him a look that was all the answer he needed. He'd signed his real name.

"Hold on, what did Cas sign?" He asked.

"Um…" Sam pulled the paper closer to his face. "I can't read it."

"I must have signed in Enochian." Castiel sighed, looking somewhere off in the distance.

"Then it can't possibly be legal." Dean shrugged. "Problem solved."

A heavy silence hung in the air and Dean looked at Castiel in curiosity.

"That may be true in Earth law, Dean, but in angel law…"

"Angel's can't get married." Dean scoffed, all tension gone now. His hunger, for some reason, was getting worse. "Damn, where's my food?" He muttered, looking at the door longingly.

"Dean!" Sam said warningly before turning his attention to Castiel. "What do you mean "in angel law…"?"

"There is such a thing as marriage in heaven. It has a very different connotation though. I believe you would call it a 'bond.'" Dean was looking at him now, terrified.

"And this counts?" Sam questioned, gesturing at the license.

"Yes, unfortunately it does." Castiel confirmed.

"Then we'll just get an Angel Annulment. Easy Peasy." Dean said.

Castiel huffed and looked at him. "There is no such thing Dean. Only very rarely can a bond be broken and only in extremely special circumstances. This, I'm afraid, is not one of them. Angels take marriage very seriously."

"How can it be broken?" Sam queried.

"Death." Castiel stated and the room was silent.

After a few moments Dean finally spoke up again. "So we're married?" He asked.

"Not quite."

"So we're not married?"

"Not quite."

"Cas, if you don't start explaining I'm about to give you an Angel Enema."

"Funny you should mention that." Sam muttered and Dean glared.

"We have formed a bond for the most part. However, we have not completed it." Cas explained. Sort of.

"So can we get out of it?" Dean asked.

"No."

"So how do we complete it?"

Cas glanced at Sam quickly before looking back up at Dean. "Perhaps you'd feel more comfortable without Sam in the room." He said.

"Why?" Dean inquired.

"It's rather…personal."

Dean debated mentally before deciding that it couldn't get more personal than this. "No. It's Sam's business too. How do we complete the bond?"

"We have to consummate." Castiel stated.

Dean decided that it would have been better to continue the conversation without Sam in the room. Sighing he rubbed a hand over his face. Overall, the situation seemed rather simple. "So, we just won't complete the bond." Dean said. It seemed easy enough.

"It's not that easy Dean." Of course it wasn't. "I'm already bonded to you. I am incapable of being with another and you are incapable of being with another." There was something in the angels look that said there was more to the statement.

"You mean sex?" He asked.

"Yes."

Dean could live without sex. It's not like his life revolved around it. Yeah, he could do it.

"Why are angel bonds so strict?" Sam wondered.

"It is our grace. When we bond we pledge our grace to the person we are bonded with. In order to rescue Dean from hell I already had to mark him as my own and, as such, I pledged a bit of my grace to him. Now, through our wedding ceremony, I have pledged even more and, without completing the ceremony, my magic will be split in half. My magic will not work as well as it once did and, eventually, it may cease to work at all. The two sides will be fighting each other. Dean, if we do not complete the bond I will fall from heaven. And you will slowly eat yourself to death." That caught everyone's attention.

"What?!" Dean cried.

"I'm sure you are feeling it already, the hunger." Castiel said.

Dean nodded, stomach growling to confirm the angels words. He had been feeling ravenous all morning.

"The human body has a curious way of manifesting the bond. I do not know much of it but when a human is bound to an Angel their need turns into hunger. I believe your distractions this morning are an example of it. In small doses it can be quite harmless but in such a high concentration it is potentially fatal. If we do not complete our bond then you may die." Dean was getting really sick of the word bond and he had the sudden urge to punch Castiel in the face.

"How could you do this to me?!" He exclaimed. Castiel shrugged.

"I was drunk."

It was at that time that room service finally arrived. Sam got the door and a flustered attendant brought in three trays worth of food.

"How much did you order?" Sam asked, turning to look at Dean. The hunter sheepishly rubbed the back of his neck.

"I'm hungry."

Sam huffed and thanked the attendant. Dean grabbed a tray and sat at the table, tearing into his meal. He glared at Cas from behind his waffles, hating the angel more than he thought possible.

"I'm not gay, Cas." Dean growled through his food.

"I never thought you were." The angel stated matter-of-factly.

Sam hovered on the sidelines, watching Dean chow through his food with some concern.

"Dean, it's not-"

"Butt out, Sammy." The man ordered, staring down the angel as he shoved another bite in his mouth. It was almost comical if it weren't so…sad.

"Dean, I have no wish to force you." Cas sighed, seeing that the situation wasn't going anywhere. He got up.

"Where are you going?" Dean asked. Sam frowned. No matter how much Dean pretended to hate the circumstances it was obvious that he at least wanted Castiel around. Sam wasn't sure how he felt about that.

"There are things I must accomplish in Heaven and it is prudent that I do them while I still have the power. If you're in trouble you may call Balthazar."

"Balthazar?" Dean asked incredulously.

"Yes, it's his punishment." The angel disappeared, leaving Dean staring at empty space in protest.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know what it says about me, but when I read this chapter, I laughed. Hard. So at least I'm enjoying my story, right?

**Chapter Two:**

"I'm going to go take a shower." Dean proclaimed after finishing all three trays of food.

"I'm surprised you can even walk." Sam muttered, staring at the empty dishes in fascination. Dean ignored him and trotted over to the bathroom. He waited until he entered the confine before groaning and hunching over as another spike of hunger went through him. He'd thought Castiel had been over exaggerating but now he was beginning to realize the seriousness of the situation. Still, he'd just have to ignore it because there was no way he was doing that with Cas.

Dean turned the shower on and stepped in, sighing under the warm water but feeling no relief. He couldn't help wondering though what it would actually be like to have sex with Cas. He could only theorize that it would be, above anything else, awkward. He just couldn't see the angel having sex. After all, Castiel was a virgin.

Dean's stomach dropped and his eyes went wide. He was married to a virgin. Cas had, in essence, waited until marriage. And he was married to Dean. And Dean was married to him. It was way too…biblical for Dean's liking. It was also a lot of responsibility.

Dean had never been with a man before, which, effectively, made him a sort of virgin as well. And he didn't know if he could handle the responsibility of taking Cas' virginity. How would he even do that? Dean suddenly had an idea and, crazy though it was, he felt the urge to follow through with it. He had no intention of eating himself to death, or of getting obese (mostly because it would interfere with hunting and, also, abs,) so he knew, logically, that he would have to have sex with Cas eventually. But he also wanted to know what he was doing.

Jumping out of the shower, Dean threw a towel on and burst out of the bathroom.

"Sam!" He said desperately. "Can you go get me a bacon cheeseburger?"

"You're not serious." Sam protested, gesturing at the table.

"Please?" He asked, really craving the burger now that he'd asked for it.

"Dude, this can't be healthy." Sam muttered, shaking his head but getting up anyway.

"Thanks, Sammy. I owe you." Dean winked as his stomach rumbled.

"Just…have sex with Cas soon, okay?"

Dean blushed and spluttered as Sam left the room. He waited a few seconds to make sure Sam was really gone before he ran over to the remote, turning on the TV and flipping to the Pay Per View section. He scrolled through the categories before shakily selecting 'Gay.'

"What the hell's a twink?" He muttered, shaking his head. Closing his eyes in unease he randomly pressed enter, peaking an eye open to see if the video had started. He was greeted with the sight of a scrawny, feminine man bent over a desk while a burly guy thrust into him.

 _"Oh yeah, fuck me."_ The scrawny dude moaned, voice shrill and nasally.

It was oddly quiet; the only sound in the video the sound of the desk scraping against the floor. It could use some background music. Maybe 'Big Balls' by AC/DC.

 _"Fuck me with your dick."_

"Does anyone get turned on by this?" Dean couldn't help asking out loud, feeling more violated than horny. The bottom guy was annoying and the top was just silent. Neither one seemed to be enjoying it. At least in straight porn you can be assured that one of them is having fun. Dean grew bored and went back to the categories, clicking on the straight stuff. "Yeah, busty Asians." He said happily, selecting a video that seemed appealing. He was soon greeted with the familiar sounds of female moaning. "Oh, I've seen this one." He was almost disappointed until the realization that it had been an extremely good video struck him. Eagerness filled him and he watched the video, glad for the distraction against his current predicament. However, as the video continued he was filled with confusion. In the past he'd been excessively turned on by this porn but right now, for some reason, he just couldn't get hard, at all. Worried, he went back, selecting more videos. But it was the same with each one.

"God dammit!" He cursed, jumping when the hotel room door opened. He fell off the bed and scrambled to turn the TV off.

"I got you ten Bacon cheeseburgers. This ought to last you five minutes." Sam said irritably. He faltered when he saw Dean on the floor, looking up at him sheepishly. "Porn, really?"

"Don't get judgey. I'm going through a lot right now." Dean defended, getting up quickly and grabbing the burgers from Sam's hold. "Did you get fries?" He asked excitedly.

"Yes." Sam sighed. "And something to drink." He offered a soda but Dean waved it off, pulling a wrapper from the bag and tearing right into his food. "I can't watch this. I'm going to go call Bobby." Sam said in disgust as Dean chewed on his food. "And put some damn clothes on." He grumbled, gesturing at the towel.

"Whatever." Dean managed through his food. "And don't tell Bobby about me and Cas."

Sam stopped, looking abashed.

"You told him!" Dean shouted as much as he could through the sandwich. "When?"

"When I went to get your food. He could help Dean." Sam defended.

Too hungry to pursue the topic further Dean just shot him a glare before turning on the TV and flipping through the channels.

 _"Today on Tyra: Secret Sexual Fantasies."_

Dean set the remote down and watched in fascination as women told their boyfriends/husbands about their deepest sexual desires. One woman wanted to put her husband in women's underwear and whip him. Dean flashed back to the time his girlfriend had asked him to wear her pink satin panties and how oddly comfortable they'd been. He also wondered what Castiel would look like in women's underwear. He choked on his food as a laugh burst out of him at the thought. Cas and lingerie should stay far away from each other.

Dean scarfed down the rest of his food and threw on some clothes, surprised to find a suitcase of his things by the bed. He pulled a newspaper out of the bag and began looking through it, keeping his eye out for anything interesting. He'd just found a story about three girls who'd gone missing in Wyoming when Sam came back in.

"What did you find out from Bobby?" He asked.

"Unfortunately, nothing. He said he'd never heard anything about an Angel Bond before. He said he'd do research but if anyone knows anything it'd be Cas." Sam relayed reluctantly.

"Oh well." Dean was oddly not as worried about the situation as he thought he'd be. "Hey, look at this." He said, showing the Wyoming story to Sam.

"It sounds more like a job for the Police than for us." The younger man said doubtfully.

"Might be worth checking out though." Dean shrugged. Sam frowned but nodded in agreement, most likely sensing Dean's need to do something productive and normal.

"I'll contact Balthazar so we can get the impala." Sam said and Dean nodded.

**Line Break**

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Dammit Dean, we can't stop again!" Sam protested as Dean pulled into a drive-thru.

"I'm hungry." Dean offered lamely, stomach rumbling.

"You just ate five minutes ago. We've literally only moved 20 feet!" Sam was noticeably frustrated and Dean began to feel guilty.

"Last time, I swear." He said apologetically. That, of course, was a lie. By nightfall they'd only made it to the very edge of Utah, which would have been fine but at this rate they wouldn't reach Wyoming for another few days.

"Dean." Dean looked up from his slice of pizza as they pulled into a motel parking lot. Sam's tone was serious and piercing.

"Yeah?" He asked.

"Look in the back seat."

Dean turned around curiously and almost fell over. The entire back of the impala was completely run over with take out containers and trash. The pile was so high it was almost impossible to see out the back window.

"I'm sorry baby." Dean said, running his hand over the dashboard of the impala lovingly.

"That would be touching if you could keep the pizza out of your mouth." Sam criticized, exiting the car. Dean quickly followed him into the motel lobby.

"Two rooms please." Sam said to the lady behind the desk.

"Two rooms?" Dean asked curiously.

"I'm not staying in a room with the real life version of Pac Man. You might get hungry in the middle of the night and decide to eat me." Sam murmured. Though it sounded valid Dean couldn't help the suspicion that there was more to it than that.

Dean was quickly settled in his room and couldn't help the wave of self-pity that overcame him. From an entirely practical stand point he couldn't keep going like this. It had only been a day and he was already feeling the effects in extremes he couldn't possibly imagine. Still, his pride reared its ugly head and he couldn't bring himself to summon Cas. He just couldn't.

He could, however, go down to a bar, find something to eat, and maybe, just maybe, get laid.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You guys are so spoiled to be getting three chapters of this in one day. My Fanfiction.net followers had to wait months.

**Chapter Three:**

"Cas!" Sam called, looking around desperately as he paced back and forth. "Cas, come on! You can't keep ignoring me." He said. He'd spent the last ten minutes trying to call the angel down.

"What?" A voice snapped and he turned to find Castiel staring at him in annoyance.

"I'm worried about Dean."

"Then call Balthazar." The angel said coldly and was just about to flutter off again.

"He's off having sex with someone else!" Sam shouted before the angel could fly off. Castiel froze and Sam relaxed, flooding with relief.

Cas cocked his head to the side in confusion. "Balthazar is off having intercourse...instead of helping you?" He said, tone low with warning.

"What? No, I was talking about Dean. Dean's off having sex. Although I suppose Balthazar could be too. I didn't really ask." 

"No he's not." Cas replied impassively.

"Is that an angel thing. Like, can you sense each other?" Sam asked. 

Cas huffed, nostrils flaring in irritation. "I was talking about Dean." He muttered impatiently. 

"Oh, right." Sam mumbled. "Well he is." Sam pulled out his cell phone and turned on his voicemail, playing a message Dean left not too long before Sam had begun to summon Cas.

_"Hey Sam, I don't think I'll be needing that other room after all. By the way, I have the impala so if you want to go somewhere you're going to have to walk."_ A female could be heard giggling in the background throughout most of the message. 

"And?" Castiel said.

"What do you mean 'And'? I thought you said he couldn't be with anyone else?"

"When I said he couldn't be with anyone else I didn't mean by force. If my knowledge is accurate, he'll find himself incapable of performing sexually with another person." Castiel let out a sigh and sat on the bed.

"Are you okay?" Sam asked, momentarily distracted.

"Yes, I'm just...tired, I believe, is the sensation."

Sam shuffled nervously and looked around. "How long until you lose your powers?" He asked.

"It should be a while. It's not as urgent as it seems." The angel admitted. "The wait is designed to be extremely painful though."

"But why?"

"An incomplete bond seems disloyal. Without fulfilling the connection we're desecrating the meaning of a marriage." Cas sounded as though he were quoting someone else.

"And you're sure there's no way out of it?"

"I don't know that much of bonds to be honest. There are ways to disconnect the bond but they're for angels far more experienced than I." Sam always forgot that, as far as angels were concerned, Castiel was young. "By the time I mastered such a skill it would be too late."

"This is so…" Sam gestured around, looking for the right word. "Ridiculous, really."

"I suppose it is." Castiel conceded before standing up. "I must leave now. There are many things accomplish." He said before disappearing.

"Bye." Sam said to the empty room, wishing that for once Castiel wasn't so bad at communication. Still, under Dean's tutelage he'd gotten better. But, considering the fact that Dean had more mental issues than a psych ward, this was probably as good as Cas was ever going to get. They were going to make one hell of a couple.

**Line Break:**

Dean pushed the woman (Tina?) up against a wall, kissing her neck gently. She let out a giggle accompanied by a moan and Dean smirked. It seemed that his life wouldn't be completely upstaged by recent events and, frankly, he could live with that.

"Oh, Dean." The woman moaned, arching upwards and grinding her hips against his. It felt good and he groaned, shoving his hands up her shirt. He ran his fingers over her flesh and up to her bra, fondling her breasts through the fabric. She pulled him into a kiss and began tugging on his shirt longingly.

Dean furrowed his brows in confusion. Usually by this point he would have a raging erection. Between the anticipation in the bar, the excitement at finding a partner, and the sexually charged walk to the room, he would be aching and ready to go. But right now, no matter how good everything felt, he couldn't get it up. And that was disconcerting. Even at his worst Dean had always been able to get it up.

'Shit.' He thought, feeling panicked. It was safe to say he was more scared than he'd ever been in his whole life; with, possibly, the exception of Hell.

"I have to go!" He shouted, pulling away from Tina (?) quickly and rushing out of the room. Her protests echoed behind him but he ignored them, focused, instead, on making his way out of damn bar and back to his hotel room.

Dean rushed into the Impala, slamming the key into the engine and streaking out of the driveway. The tires whined under the strain but the hunter was too far gone to care. He'd make it up to his baby later when he wasn't having a crisis.

"Dammit, Cas." He grumbled under his breath. This was all the angel's fault. Well, it wasn't, but it was Balthazar's and that was close enough. His stomach rumbled again, reminding him that he'd been hungry for a while now and he was debating on getting more food.

"Keep driving."

Dean jumped and looked behind him to see Balthazar.

"What are you doing in here? Get out!" He snapped irritably. This had been the worst day of his life and he didn't want anything to do with the man responsible for it. Still, he kept driving, abandoning the only restaurant for miles.

"Don't get your knickers in a twist; I'm not here under any nefarious pretenses." The angel said patronizingly.

"I don't care. Leave me alone." Dean grumbled.

"Look, I'm sorry. I should have stopped you and Cas and this is all my fault." Even though he said it Dean doubted that Balthazar was being genuine. "But that's not why I'm here. This case you and Sam are on. The one in Wyoming. We think it's the dragon."

"We?"

"You're husband and I have been looking into it." Balthazar said with a smirk.

Dean huffed. "You think it's another dragon?"  


"No, the same one."

Dean faltered in surprise. "The one from Oregon?"

Balthazar nodded. "Yes, we think one of them escaped and came down to Wyoming."

Dean sighed and tapped his fingers on the wheel irritably.

"I take it you still have the sword." Balthazar said.

Dean flinched. "No." He ground out through clenched teeth.

"Well, what did you do with it?" Balthazar was being oddly polite and the hunter suspected that Cas had given him a good talking to when he'd gotten back to Heaven. Plus, he couldn't be too happy about being at the beck and call of the Winchesters and was probably hoping good behavior would get him out of it.

"We, uh…gave it to…" The last word trailed off into something unintellible as Dean looked guiltily ahead.

"I'm sorry, I don't speak mumble. What?" Balthazar inquired in an irritable tone.

"We gave it to Cas." Dean admitted reluctantly. He was greeted with several seconds of silence until Balthazar let out a bark of amused laughter.

"Oh, I see what he's doing. Very clever, brother, very clever." Balthazar sing-sang from the back seat.

"What?" Dean snarled, wondering what had made the infernal trouble-maker so happy.

"He does have a way of surprising people that Castiel does. Keeping the sword until you give in is rather ingenious." Balthazar mused.

"What?" Dean asked, unsure of what Balthazar meant.

"You can't call Castiel until you're ready to consummate the relationship; he already made that much clear." The angel said, voice dripping with delight. "And you can't get the sword unless you call Castiel." Dean's jaw clenched in frustration as he realized the angel was right. Except, he suddenly remembered another possibility.

"Sam could call him." Dean countered.

"Yes, but he'll only give the sword to you."

Dean twitched in agitation. "Why?" He knew he wouldn't like the answer but he couldn't help asking.

"Because, little Winchester, you and Cas are playing the sexual version of 'Chicken' and this is his trump card." Dean was right, he didn't like the answer. "As stilted and awkward as my brother may seem, he really is quite devious." With that Balthazar disappeared.

Dean let out a growl at the man's smugness. He'd been debating on calling Castiel and just getting it over with, but Balthazar had reaffirmed his stubbornness. Unfortunately for the angel, Cas had witnessed the whole exchange and Balthazar was now paying dearly for it.

**Line Break:**

Sam opened the door to his brother's hotel room, reaching his hand out to flip the light switch and illuminate the space.

"Oh, for Pete's sake!"

Dean jumped and looked at Sam like a deer caught in the headlights. He was currently crouched over in the corner of his hotel room cradling a pie container – the contents of which he'd been eating with gusto until Sam had interrupted him. Sam looked around and grimaced in disgust at the magnitude of wrappers and empty food bags strewn around the room, evidence of Dean's night time food run. Dean had managed to find a slew of restaurants near the motel and had made frequent ventures to each.

"You didn't call Cas?" Sam exclaimed in disappointment.

"Well, Sammy, I didn't know you were so eager for me to have gay sex."

Sam lifted an eyebrow. "Good one." He said sarcastically.

"Give me a break. It's early. Hey, do you know if they have doughnuts around here somewhere?"

Sam snorted in annoyance and walked out of the room, clearly reaching the end of his rope.

Dean got up shakily

"I'm getting really sick of this." He grouched. Packing up his stuff he went out to the impala, where he was greeted by the sight of Sam holding a pack of doughnuts. "Oh, thank god." He said gratefully, throwing his stuff unceremoniously into the car and shoving a pastry into his mouth. It said something about his state of mind that he didn't even object when Sam took the driver's seat and he was left taking the passenger's side.

"Appreciate it because we're not stopping for another hour." Sam lectured, starting the car and pulling out of the parking lot.

"What?!" Dean yelled in surprise.

"Dean, we'll never get to Wyoming if you keep stopping to get something to eat every ten seconds." Sam said, ever the voice of reason.

Dean knew he was right but that didn't stop him from pouting. It also didn't stop him from whining within the next couple of minutes as he became ravenous once again.

"Sam, can we-"

"What happened to the doughnuts?" Sam asked.

Dean paused sheepishly and fiddled his hands. "I finished them all."

"What?! I told you we wouldn't be stopping for another hour!"

"I know, but I was hungry!"

"You're always hungry! Dammit, Dean. I'm not stopping!"

"Please?"

"No!"

"But-"

"No! Now shut up!" Sam angrily shoved an AC/DC cassette into the radio and turned the volume up high to drown out any more requests Dean may have made. Dean groaned and writhed around, hand pressed against his stomach in agony. He huffed and moaned, twisting around in his seat and looking around longingly for something to eat. He paused in excitement when he saw an old hard candy stuck to the car's carpet.

"Ooh." He said in interest, bending down and grabbing the treat. It was stuck to the floor pretty well and he had to tug several times to get it up, but when he did he longingly lifted it to his mouth. Suddenly, the radio went silent and a hand was reaching towards him.

"You're not going to eat that!" Sam snapped, reaching for the sweet.

"Yes I am." Dean challenged, moving away from Sam's grip.

"Dean, that's disgusting."

Dean popped the candy into his mouth anyway, ignoring the crumbs and odd bit of dirt.

"That is so gross." Sam said, making a noise of disgust.

"Before you start lecturing me why don't you try telling me how it got there in the first place? You know my rule about candy in the car." Dean said. Sam bristled a little and looked away. "Yeah, that's what I thought. Ugh, a hair." He scoffed, pulling the hair out of his mouth and ignoring Sam's hacking sound.

"That is atrocious." A voice came from the back seat.

"Dammit, Balthazar, quit doing that!" Dean yelled, looking at the sneering man who had appeared in the car.

"So, I see you're still heading to Wyoming."

"Yeah, why wouldn't we be?" Sam asked curiously and Dean internally groaned when he realized he'd forgotten to fill the man in on the changes in the case.

"Because you don't have the sword. Didn't Dean tell you?" Balthazar replied.

"No." Sam gritted out, shooting Dean a glare.

"Ah, he must have been distracted. You, Sammy-boy, have a dragon on your hands."

"Don't call me Sammy." Sam said on instinct. He should have known that that would only insight the angel and the look Balthazar gave him said as much. "A dragon? Like the one that we encountered in Oregon?"

"Yes, _Sammy_." Balthazar said the name with immense pleasure. "In fact, it's the exact one you encountered in Oregon. The one that survived, that is."

"At least we know how to defeat it this time." Sam muttered. "All we need is the…" The young man trailed off and a look of resigned understanding came to his face. "Right. Castiel has the sword. And I'm assuming he won't give it to Dean unless…"

"Unless he completes the bond. Exactly." Balthazar finished the sentence for him. "Well, I'm off." He said, disappearing as usual.

Dean sneered at the angel's departure. Of course he'd only shown up to cause trouble.

"How could you not tell me?" Sam asked.

"I was distracted!"  


Sam huffed. "Precisely, Dean. Even if we had the sword how do you expect to hunt in your condition?"

Dean heaved a breath and leaned back in his seat. Sam was right, as usual; Dean was fighting a losing battle. Unfortunately for all of them, that's one thing Dean was really good at.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If I'm ever known for anything in the SPN fandom, I want it to be for that scene of Dean with the hard candy. Seriously, that scene. Also, Dean and the pie. Imagining Dean hunched over in a dark hotel room, all gollum-like with a pie container, kept me laughing for hours.


End file.
